Fear, or rather, Fearlessness
If the past two years of a seemingly never-ending pandemic, racial justice protests, and political divisiveness have taught me anything, it’s that we live with more fear than we could have imagined.
It seems like it’s right there, under the surface, nearly all the time. Maybe it was always there, and we just didn’t notice it. Or maybe the pandemic opened our eyes to just how much instability, inequity, and lack of safety actually exist in our world.
The Terror of Not Knowing
Like so many people, I experienced real fear and anxiety in the first few months of the pandemic, when no one really knew how to do anything safely. I became the designated shopper in my family, so that only one of us was at risk by being around others. (This was all pre-vaccine.) I shopped for food then unloaded groceries on our front porch, wiping down everything before bringing it into the house — until we were told that was unnecessary. I shopped for my in-laws who were in their 70s and had underlying health conditions that put them at higher risk of serious illness and death should they contract COVID. In those early days of shutdown, I came home after hours of weekly grocery shopping a total stress ball. I felt utterly wiped out.
Teaching Yoga during a Pandemic
I continued to teach yoga classes during the pandemic, and like so many others, I moved what classes I could online. It wasn’t perfect, and there was a steep learning curve to make it work, but at least I was able to continue teaching. I was able to see some of my students virtually and provide them with an opportunity to de-stress for an hour.
When the private residential high school where I teach returned to in-person learning in September 2020 (much earlier than most public schools), we returned with strict social distancing, masking, twice-weekly COVID tests, and many modifications to how our school used to function. It was strange, and it wasn’t always pleasant, but it enabled us to return to some semblance of normalcy.
And so I taught in-person yoga classes while the local studio where I teach remained online only and while the rest of my family continued remote teaching and learning. It was strange. I left my family at home and went to work every day, and they barely left the house. I interacted with people on a daily basis, and my family barely saw other humans.
Did I feel safe? Sort of.
Was it surreal? Definitely.
Was I worried about COVID? You bet.
Prior to that, I rarely experienced ongoing fear. I had concerns about things like unexpected home and car expenses, but nothing came close to the perpetual fear that hummed like a drone just beneath the surface and erupted without warning.
A Brief Respite from Fear
And then we started to come out of the weird Twilight Zone episode we were living in. It was the summer of 2021, and we got a taste of what life used to be like — without social distancing, without masks. It was almost normal for those few weeks. And then the Delta variant sent us scampering back into our hidey holes. Masks returned. We stopped gathering. Well, some of us did. And COVID sunk its teeth in once again and seemed like it would never let go. And just when it appeared to be easing up, Omicron made Delta seem like child’s play. Delta was far more deadly to the unvaccinated, but Omicron sent infection rates soaring.
I think we now realize that COVID is something we have to learn to live with. At least for the foreseeable future. And that is, in some ways, terrifying. At nearly every turn, we must employ risk analysis. Can we gather with family members this month, or is that too risky? Should we plan to attend a wedding in six months, or will it be unsafe to travel then? Is it wise to go back to the yoga classes we loved two years ago before this nightmare started, or will that expose us to too many people, even if class sizes are reduced?
I’ve learned that the answers are not hard and fast. Today’s decisions may have to be altered tomorrow and then revisited the next day.
Amanda Gorman, Inaugural Poet
On January 20, 2021, a 22-year-old African-American poet named Amanda Gorman became the youngest Inaugural poet in U.S. history. As I watched her read her poem, “The Hill We Climb”, on the very steps where violent insurrectionists had stormed the U.S. Capitol just weeks before, I was blown away by her bravery, her talent, her inner light. I was moved by her words, her delivery, her presence, and immediately began following her on Twitter.
I also preordered her first book of poetry, Call Us What We Carry, which wouldn’t be published until the fall of the year. Ms. Gorman was an inspiration on that frigid January morning, a ray of light as brilliant and necessary as the yellow coat she wore to the Presidential Inauguration.
The last stanza of her poem stayed with me and helped allay some of the fears that rose to the surface for me during 2021:
When day comes, we step out of the shade,
Aflame and unafraid.
The new dawn blooms as we free it,
For there is always light,
If only we’re brave enough to see it,
If only we’re brave enough to be it.
–from “The Hill We Climb”, Amanda Gorman
Her book of poetry is stunning. Her talent is impressive, especially for such a young writer. And her seeming fearlessness is astonishing.
Amanda Gorman, on fear
Then, on January 20, 2022, the New York Times published a guest essay that she wrote, a reflection on the days leading up to that pivotal moment in her career and in her life a year before, entitled “Why I Almost Didn’t Read My Poem at the Inauguration”. There’s a three-word answer to that title: “I was terrified.”
In the essay, she lays bare her own fear. There was, of course, the fear of contracting COVID before most of us were eligible for the newly released vaccine. There was also the very real danger of appearing on the site of the insurrection, when no one could really guarantee her safety. She wrote, “I didn’t know then that I’d become famous, but I did know at the inauguration I was going to become highly visible — which is a very dangerous thing to be in America, especially if you’re Black and outspoken and have no Secret Service.”
So many lines from this essay resonate with me.
It got me thinking about fear, which often gets the best of us. But why would we give the best of ourselves to fear? Why not give our best to the people and projects deserving of our greatest talents, our highest good, our brightest energy? Moment by moment, we have the opportunity to choose fear or to choose love, life, and lifting up ourselves and those around us. If we give fear space in our hearts and minds, it will eat up more and more until we have nothing left to nurture ourselves, let alone anyone else.
Mudras to Open the Heart and Create Fearlessness
Throughout these past two years, I have come back to two mudras which have particular significance to me and which help bring calmness when I employ them in my yoga practice, in yoga classes that I teach, or simply in moments when I need a bit of bolstering.
The first is Vajrapradama Mudra, which is often translated as “unshakeable trust”, but I first learned it as the “Heart-Opening Mudra”.
Interlace your fingers with your thumbs pointing upward, and rest your hands on your chest. Your left hand will lie directly over your heart. Relax your elbows at your sides. Breathe. Vajrapradama Mudra can help build confidence and trust.
The second is Abhaya Hridaya Mudra, the “Fearless Heart” mudra. It can help you keep your heart open, especially in times of challenge, and find the courage to “follow your heart”. I like to call this “leading with your heart”, which requires opening your heart and not overthinking a situation.
Raise your hands in front of your chest, palms facing inward. Cross your right wrist over your left so that your palms face away from each other. Bring the backs of your hands together. Interlace your little fingers, your middle fingers, and your index fingers, then connect the tips of your thumbs and ring fingers to form two circles. It looks a little like an infinity symbol. Rest your hands in front of your chest around the bottom of the sternum.
When you feel fear rising in your body or in your mind, ground yourself with conscious breathing. Take a moment to find the source of your fear. If you’re in imminent danger, get help! If you’re not in danger, sit with the sensation and try to breathe through the fear. Try one or both of the mudras above and attempt to calm yourself so that you can find a resolution to the situation. Ask yourself if it’s something you have the power to change and strategize ways to implement that change. Engage with others who may lend assistance to you. Having someone else who can listen to your fear may help lead you to solutions. Recognize that you are not alone.
The world is certainly out of balance, but if you can bring yourself into a more harmonious state, you may find yourself feeling empowered to take action to pull yourself — and others — out of the fear spiral.
Lindel Hart teaches yoga online for PerfectFit Wellness. He lives in Western Massachusetts and teaches at Deerfield Academy, a private residential high school, as well as at Community Yoga and Wellness in Greenfield, MA. Visit his website, Hart Yoga.
